The Curious Incident of the Cat in the Night-Time

It was three o’clock in the morning...

I heard my two big dogs barking like mad. The two big dogs are Alsatians though people also call them German Shepherds, but these are not their names. They are called Buddy and Lobo and are big and scary, but not to us, because we know that they are really as soft as shit, which I hate, shit that is, because I always tread into it in the garden. It is also brown in colour, which Nigel hates. I felt frightened because I thought that very bad people called Brown Dudes by my friend Natalie are trying to break into our house to do bad things like stealing or murdering.

Then Nico phoned us. Nico is our friend, he is a policeman and he lives in the house below ours. He said he heard the dogs and will investigate. This made me feel safe because Nico is tough and has a big gun, and the Brown Dudes are afraid of him. But the big dogs did not stop barking, and they woke up our puppy, who joined in. Our puppy is a Jack Russel, but this is not his name. He is called Harry Mishka Georgievich Wilkes. When he was small he looked like a St. Bernard, but he can not be a real St. Bernard because both his Mummy and his Daddy are Jack Russels. They are called Lily and George, and we know them well because they belong to our friend Natalie who knows so much about the Brown Dudes because she is married to a guy called Dude, but he is not Brown but Cloete. He knows a lot about everything, especially dogs, and he sold Harry to us as a pure-bred Jack Russel, although the Vet laughed at us when we first brought Harry in.

It was quite impossible to sleep because of all the noise the dogs were making, and Nigel got up and went out on the balcony to have a look. He saw the dogs in the back garden barking up the tree. He could see there was something white in the tree, which he thought was a piece of plastic, and very bravely decided to go and investigate. I begged him to be careful and stay away from the Brown Dudes. He called me from the garden and said that there was a cat in the tree. Which cat, I asked. He said the cat was ours and I did not believe him because 1) our cat is old and ill and dying although he murdered and ate a defenseless pigeon last week, and 2) he weighs 7.4 kilos and the tree’s branches are so thin they can hardly hold a pigeon. So I went out to check if the cat was really ours. Nigel was in the tree trying to reach the cat and I could not see the cat properly because all I could see was Nigel’s bollocks swinging in the wind under his dressing gown. Bollocks are those things the Vet cut out of our puppy Harry because they make them piddle everywhere and run after bitches. My friend Jan says that some men also need to have their bollocks chopped off because they deserve it. Anyway, the cat was ours and Nigel has rescued the Cat in a very heroic manner, which made me very proud.

Notes

Это пародия на "Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time". Она написана от лица мальчика, страдающего некоторой долей аутизма (т. е., он себе в своей головке должен всё по полочкам разложить).